One Goal

"I haven't seen you in a while."
"I've been real sick..." I usually leave it at that unless the issue gets further pressed. I don't want any charity, I don't want a fundraiser in my name, I don't want to be a self servant egotistical waif. Lot's of people get "sick" and have to let the whole world know. I don't care...I don't care if I'm in the newspaper or making headlines (sure my club's sponsors would love it). All I want to do is ride my bike. I just wish I could still hang with the elite riders. Now I'm languishing at the bottom of the results list. I try.

Today I decided to hone my gravel road skills (I've been a sissy lately). So off I head to the airport(?). Then down the Guadalupe Trail. Mind you it's 7am, and shadows infiltrate my field of vision. I wasn't riding very comfortably at the beginning. But it got better once I decided to practice riding between the tire/path "lines". Got to get out of your comfort zone sometimes.

I got to Alviso before the park opened, unfortunately, so I took a detour, and ended up here. Just me, some seagulls, 1000 baseball players (not pictured but believe me), and bugs... Ended up at a landfill (who thought it was a good idea to make landfills right next to the ocean should be shot in the next life). I returned to Alviso and headed for the middle of the bay.

This wasn't the exact route but it's best mapmyride can do, without me manually inputting the route. Apart from the bugs, and the fishy smell that almost made me throw up around 7 miles into it, this was fun. And NO CARS, and all I saw were two humans the whole 8 mile or so loop.


Headed back to ride on the car free pavement free trail, feeling more comfortable switching sides of the trail when passing peds ("Fred" walkers). Passed the airport again, it looks cool but the new parking structure is creepy...

They almost dragged me down with them to the underworld but I made it back. Basically I was knee deep...


I think a few more dirt rides will have me ready to atleast ride Leesville before the climb respectably. Leesville that's all I care about, illness be damned.

Peddling backwards

Gawd, I suck, I mean beyond belief. If I get behind the wrong wheel in a race or ride it's game over. Why??? Freaking doctors can't figure out how to rid me of what I may or may not have without kicking the rest of my bodies ass. My hematocrit has been a steady 36%, just about 5 standard deviations from the norm... :< I still try racing, I went to Modesto last weekend, got caught out when some smucks got dropped and couldn't cross the gap, game over. So I spent 2 hours just dicking around periodically riding hard and integrating with various groups until officials popped up.

I only have one more treatment at UCSF, great...not so fast, I've been told I have a little over a month after this of possibly crappier blood values. I am hopeful by August I will be ready to actually race again. Sick of bringing a pellet gun to a bazooka fight.

Anyway today I tried the Spectrum ride, which I stunk at. I am not very aggressive in training rides so I sit near the back, and again am prone to being in the wrong place. I made it decently far, and actually up some positive gradients in the pack, but a few gaps opened due to crashes or weaker riders and I ended up languishing a little more than I'd like. So I took my own way home, unfortunately I got behind some "Fred's" which is bound to happen on a beautiful Saturday morning in NorCal. I go around and this lady in a neon yellow Fred jacket makes a snide remark about someone passing and not calling out "on your left" (after she was bitching about the Spectrum ride). WTF? These chumps are jabbering like parrots at 4mph on a steep grade sprawled all over the road. The last thing I want to do is distract them, freaking them out, and there's a bunch of chumps on the ground. So I flip her off, and she flips out. Now why should I respect anyone in a Yellow Fred Jacket? Well apparently she won RAAM 8000 years ago and is an expert cyclist or something, I got the proverbial "do you who she is?" from the dork with the Costner in American Flyers moustache riding with them. Screw her trying to lecture me, like I have to yell out on your left every 10 seconds (there are a lot of people riding on Saturdays)? Frick what about just holding your bloody line, I'm not going to chop anybody, I race in 150 person crits, I don't crash, and don't want to crash anybody out. The annoying thing is I can lecture people all I want but people in general are stupid, and will believe whatever they want to believe. So what's the point, might as well just flip them off and ruin their day, life's a bitch! Then they turned right blazing through a stop sign, WTF indeed.

I do have a plan to not suck as much. CLIMB. I've been avoiding the big climbs like the plague (cuz they REALLY hurt now), I went up Bohlmann Thursday and suffered horribly. But I realized even with a 20% O2 deficit I can atleast boost my pain tolerance. I want to try Leesville on July 3rd, I know if I can make it to the bottom of that climb with the group I'll be satisfied, and maybe not finish DFL. Another scan Tuesday, ugh. I sure love high doses of radiation :(

Burying it

In a few days it will be half a year since I was gutted like a fish. So it's about time I bury it under the blogpostery (I'm going to make up lame words like this guy.)

I wish I had some interesting tidbit of life to detail like this guy.

But I don't, so I'll leave with an interesting read(if you got this far, as reading the other blogs would probably make you forget mine) from this guy.

Now I have to think a way of breaking the 4th wall of self-deprecation...

The Purpose ver2

Hello I'm Thomas Mahinulani Novikoff

I was born on Friday March 13th 1981.

On May 16th 2009 I was diagnosed with a Extrahepatic Biliary Stricture. That's about the best explanation I can give you up to this point. Here's a picture of it.

The Y-shaped black part in the upper middle is my extremely dilated bile duct.

On May 10th I noticed I was turning yellow, there were other symptoms that just seemed to a function of my diet and dehydration. But the turning yellow thing was the deal breaker, and on the 15th I was lugging my butt into a hospital emergency room to get someone to figure this out. The next day after a urine test, 5 blood tests, an ultrasound, and a CT scan I was having a tube shoved down my throat getting my plumbing unclogged with an Endoscopic Retrograde Cholangiopancreatography (ERCP). The end result was the picture below.

The tube is the only thing keeping me alive. Otherwise the bile backs up (and bile is toxic stuff), and systematically poisons/destroys the liver. Over time cirrhosis ensues, the liver begins to fail, and that's all she wrote... Thank goodness for modern medicine. Since then I've had the tube replaced 3 times due to occlusion. This results in cholangitis, which for me causes a splitting headache, a fever, chills, and more bile back up.

I've basically been able to resume a normal life...basically. I've been on antibiotics for over 4 months to prevent the cholangitis (the liver is your waste management center so it deposits all the bacteria to get it out, and if it can't go out the conventional way, it's stuck). I take a bile acid called Ursodiol with every meal to help with digestion, liver function, and stent clogging prevention (doesn't do the latter all that well). Otherwise I can still do this...

And still pretty well in fact. I've made some radical changes to my diet . I've cut Gluten out 99.9% (It's near impossible to avoid it completely due to cross contamination). This is because I've also been diagnosed with IBD, possible Ulcerative Colitis. Additionally an earlier diagnosis for Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis [PSC] was another concern. So I have done everything I can to minimize internal inflammatory processes, naturally (no Liver damaging medications). Turmeric, Garlic, and Ginger have become staples to nearly every meal. All red meat is out, which isn't hard for me never liked beef and pork...think about how pigs live....

Anyway my legs have been feeling great. My digestion is an issue, fatty foods just lay me out. I could literally end up in the hospital getting another ERCP.

Right now I'm playing the waiting game. I have an appointment with a surgeon at UCSF October 7th.My doctors can't be certain what it is without a good look at it. My doctors are worried it may be Cholangiocarcinoma, or at least the beginning of it. One of my biopsy's from the ERCP showed dyplasia, and potential neoplasia which could mean anything, nonetheless...it's not normal in my bile duct. The plan is to open me up to see what's going on in there. I've read all the journal articles, there really isn't any other option. One thing is for sure, my bile duct has failed me..EPIC FAIL. It's permanently scarred/inflammed (or worse). If it's not cancer the plan is to do a Hepaticojejunostomy. If it is well....a weight weenie would be happy about a pound of body mass will be permanently gone (and I wouldn't have to buy sketchy wheels). The procedure is called a pancreaticoduodenectomy or whipple procedure, not pleasant. I should be able to ride my bike again, but I won't know at what level for a while. I really enjoy getting slaughtered in NorCal, but if I lose even 10% of my normal operating level, it will no longer be enjoyable.

My purpose for riding has always been to prove I belong. If I can no longer belong...

What's a life without purpose?

The surgery was successful with some minor glitches noticed after the first post surgery CT, but the later PET CT scan proved positive showing nothing of concern. As of April 20th I'm am 75% through my first post surgery treatments. It is kicking my arse, specially my blood cells. Still have done 6 races. Once this is finished and my blood is back to normal I'm going on a racing binge.

Anyone got some spare clean AB+ blood?

At least I'm still having fun.
Hematocrit is down to 35.6, a five point drop in 2 weeks. Amazing considering I was hammering like a demon last weekend, at the Spectrum Ride, and on my Sunday training ride. Hopefully I can turn it around in two weeks, or I will be set back ANOTHER week in getting life back to 90% of normal (100% will never happen....I DON'T HAVE ALL MY PANCREAS!). I would just love to be back at 43-44, a 20% improvement over what I have now could literally mean making the pivotal early splits and dying off the back in the autobus. I'm tired of just finishing.

Oh and minivans suck. I'm sure every minivan owner must cry themselves to sleep every night.

Nobody writes blogs anymore, but people still read what's left...?

I'm sick of facebook, the short blurbs leave you scratching your head. Worse is when people say they are going to do something then nothing...no follow up. Anyway.

It's been up and down since the last post. Had a few good races, and some bad ones. My weight is the biggest issue. I eat and eat but don't put on much if any weight, then I destroy all my gains with what I think are productive hard 3 hour weekend rides. Then I race and get throttled. I actually hung to the end of Cantua Creek, then dropped on the finish hill, 20th. At Fort Ord, I stayed in the remnants of the main pack to the finish, and did pretty good on a hilly course, 15th. Snelling was over before it started as I redlined chasing back after getting caught behind a crash, DNF. Today I did a Time Trial, 9.7 miles, and started great then lack of practice showed as I mentally cracked, 25:30 ish, lame.



My main problem is my treatment is hammering my blood cells. My hemocrit has fluctuated between 39 and 35 the past two months. I'm typically a 43. That's not the only issue but it's killing my power. My 10 minute max is about 280W now, my record is 358W. Going to have to do intervals and stop just riding around if I have any ambition of not getting dropped. Also my white blood cells have been below alert levels which has set me back a number of weeks. Actually the fact I'm worried about my 10 minute power after all I've been through and am going through is quite absurd. But if I couldn't ride my bike....I probably not be single :)

I'm glad I'm not in Hawaii though. I'd be going stir crazy as they don't have a road race until June O_o How lame is that? I got to get back to Final Fantasy XIII, because it's awesome.

Racing Tomorrow and the Best of the Aughts

Seems that I am ready to race, or at least try. Last weekend didn't happen as the course is very dangerous and my surgeon wouldn't like to hear that I crashed. So tomorrow I'll drive out to Fremont and surf the rear of the pack at the Early Bird Road Race.

In many respects I am glad the last decade is over. I spent 8 years of it in college, and one year as a lazy bum/blockbuster employee, and the last a pro...Mechanical Engineer/science project. The decision to go to grad school at SJSU was the smartest decision I have made in my entire life, and one I will never regret. There were things I wish I had done prior to August 2006 which may have altered my course, but I'm glad I didn't and screw up what I have now...hope. Below is a top 10 countdown of my personal best moments of the "Aughts" (2000-2009).

10. Graduating UH-Mechanical Engineering Bachelors degree May 2004: It was quite an achievement, one of persistence/perseverance. Those were some good times and some stressful times. It's not higher because it has minimal impact on my present course other than allowing me to go further later. I didn't have a job lined up unlike most of my friends and basically languished until I sent my papers to SJSU.

9. Waking Up From A Pancreaticoduodenectomy (Nov 5th 2009): When the lights go out for a surgery it never goes black, just everything fades to white.... slowly, and an instant later you open your eyes and the reverse happens. This is instant was 9 hours later, and though the risk of never seeing this world again was only <1%, the chance is always there. My theory is nothing doesn't exist and my 6th surgical procedure of 2009 reasserted my belief.

8. State Criterium Championship 2000 (July 9th 2000): I broke away with about 20 minutes to go in my first top category Criterium Championship race, and never saw the pack again. It was the only race when I had time to celebrate my victory (all my other wins were sprints). If I had any doubt what my passion would be for the rest of this life it was erased in 20 minutes, forever.

7. Olomana Road Race victory (7/25/2004): Just a month earlier in California I had a magor wreck in my first Pro1/2 race, and while coming back in just a week, I DNF'd the Cascade Classic in 20 miles...I basically was questioning why I cared so much about cycling. I flew home skipping out on my desire to race in Superweek. I still couldn't find a job, but cycling is great therapy, and rode my butt back into shape. I raced my typical attack almost every lap style at Olomana, and again destroyed that sprint and won.

6. Job Offer From BAE (March 2008): I got a FEDEX letter at the SJSU dorm mailroom from BAE, after the interview I was skeptical about getting an offer. I was planning on heading to Seattle for another job at the Shipyard in Bremerton. I open the letter and what do you know.... and they are going to pay me how much? And I get to stay here! Sweet. The best thing is I get to use Pro-E....

5.Graduating SJSU Master's of Science Mechanical Engineering (May 2008): Honestly UH was harder for me, but this opened so many doors, and something I never expected. Truthfully, a Master's degree at UH wouldn't have helped much other than a pay raise in an HVAC job...

4. Hawaii's win over SJSU @ Spartan Stadium (October 2007): I sat in the SJSU students section holding my tongue for over 3 hours, but than Colt Brennan ran in that touchdown in overtime and that was it.... I moved not to get killed....then that pass was deflected, and it was pandamonium!!! I was walking around chanting BCS around all the Hawaii fans. That game was the most memorable of that 12-0 Hawaii run to the Sugar Bowl. And I WAS THERE. Hawaii Warrior for life.

3. Winning BAR jersey 2002: I was en fuego in 2002. I won Tantalus (my one and only time), Kalaeloa, Olomana, the State Crit, 2nd at Dick Evans, State RR, Cycle To The Sun, Hard Rock Crit, and raced a bunch in the mainland for the first time. I wasn't the smartest racer back then, and wished I could have bottled that form I had. Because I recall not following Ray when he attacked on Makapuu when I could have easily followed him and dusted him in the sprint, now unfortunately all I have are memories (if they could find a way for use to relive them, it'd be awesome)

2. Haleakala and Dick Evans 2009: On August 17th 2009 I had my 4th ERCP.... and was doubting why I was going to ride up a 36 mile long climb. I flew to Maui anyway and my mom tagged along. The day before I rode up about 9 miles of it, and was feeling okay. My strategy was to follow wheels and not waste energy. Unfortunately I woke up feeling great! And my strategy almost flew out the window after a slow start to the race made me itchy to really race. I settled down and rode the most out of body race of my life. It wasn't until 9000 feet when reality kciked into my Calves and Ray and the annoying Japanese old man rode away. I crossed the line in third grinning ear to ear. 2 weeks later it was dejavu at Dick Evans. I felt awful for much of the race, and had another flat. That's to Mark Little who gave up his wheel I didn't have to expend too much energy. I felt awful all the way through the last feed zone, but then the 7th hammer gel kicked in, and damn... it was on! I couldn't shake 4 other guys and my ever degenerating sprint ability failed me, but I was again grinning ear to ear. All I thought the last 20K was "I can't believe my body is letting me do this!"

1. Dick Evans Memorial Road Race 2007: I finally won that bugger. I remember so many years being in the final group thinking "I'm going to win this!" And choking in the end. This year I made damn sure I'd be in the final group, suffering like I never had (especially after another flat tire....). I remember the pain following Alex Eiler's attack up Makapuu. I remember Alex complaining about me not pulling through with 1K to go. I remember going into that final corner, hesitating for a second and they saying to myself "Go NOW!!" I remember the burning in my legs give way to elation when no one passed me before I hit to finish line. It was over, the monkey was off my back.

Next Step

The scar has healed, still tight, and can't stand straight. The goods news is I can ride just fine now, with some minor back pain, that's annoying but not crippling.

Today was the first day of the anti-blood doping regime, or one part Gemcitibine and another part Cisplatin. Other than the massive amount of time wasted just getting things taken care of before I get pumped full of that crap, it wasn't bad at all. Just once a week doesn't seem as it's going to be too bad, just work time is going to suffer. Right now I feel fine, no indications of fatigue, but it's only been 8 hours, and was only infusion number 1. Next one is Tuesday, I'll see if I'll be able to race on the 23rd. I may try irregardless. That week 1, I get a break, then it's 2 more the following two weeks, a week off, repeat...

One thing I noticed in SF, aside from the traffic (which is still better than Oahu) is SF has some HOOOTTT ladies just walking around. It's startling. Waiting to be standing up straight again, that hunched look isn't appealing.

Grab life by the Throat

"When life gets tough, grab it by the throat until it gives you what you want!" Triple H on WWE Raw 11-30-2009.

Well that's what I have to do. I've got a large line on my chest which I realized is kind of like the one Kratos has (sans the muscle definition).

Like Kratos I rose from the depths after the wound was sealed up. And now I have quite a battle ahead of me. Just like Kratos I have to alter the threads of fate to get through this mess.

Fate hasn't smiled upon me, so I have to grab it by the throat until it gives me what I want!

Remember the 5th of November?

I totally forgot November 5th was Guy Fawkes Day. I won't forget again.